There is a deep and honest intelligence in your use of the word “data.” That could have become a gimmick in less careful hands, but here it doesn’t. It becomes tragic. What emerges is the story of a boy, and later a man, forced to become a private researcher of his own desire because no humane language had been given to him. You are trying to survive confusion without a map.
That, to me, is the essay’s true dignity.
And this line feels like its living center: “what I had mistaken for a lack of answers was actually a lack of permission.”
That is exactly right. The theft you name here is repression of legitimate self-inquiry. The coercive system you describe does not merely prohibit exploration; it prohibits examination. It teaches a person that even asking is already guilt.
There is a deep and honest intelligence in your use of the word “data.” That could have become a gimmick in less careful hands, but here it doesn’t. It becomes tragic. What emerges is the story of a boy, and later a man, forced to become a private researcher of his own desire because no humane language had been given to him. You are trying to survive confusion without a map.
That, to me, is the essay’s true dignity.
And this line feels like its living center: “what I had mistaken for a lack of answers was actually a lack of permission.”
That is exactly right. The theft you name here is repression of legitimate self-inquiry. The coercive system you describe does not merely prohibit exploration; it prohibits examination. It teaches a person that even asking is already guilt.
This is magnificent.
Thank you for reading.
You are correct. Permission to even look at myself was the underlying issue. Once structures broke down around me, permission arose.
I’m grateful for your kind words. This piece and its companion are some of the most vulnerable pieces in this collection. 🙏🏻🫶🏻